News item (The Associated Press): Liberty University is opening an independent investigation into Jerry Falwell Jr.’s tenure as president, a wide-ranging inquiry that will include financial, real estate and legal matters.
News item (National Public Radio): If Joe Biden wins the presidency, his Justice Department will face a decision with huge legal and political implications: whether to investigate and prosecute President Donald Trump.
Most of us know how everyday events can influence our slumbers and produce bizarre dreams. It happened to me the other night, and my dream was a real humdinger. I was a common housefly, buzzing around a federal prison a couple years into the future.
At one point, I stopped in a cell for a breather. Lo and behold, the occupants were Jerry Falwell Jr. and Donald Trump. I couldn’t resist eavesdropping on their conversation. In my dream, that went something like this:
TRUMP: Not too long ago we were top o’ the heap, Jerry. Crème de la crème. Numero uno. I was commander in chief of the greatest military power on Earth and you controlled the world’s largest Christian university.
FALWELL: Hard to believe how far we’ve fallen, huh?
TRUMP: I slept in the White House, and at Mar-a-Lago, and you lived it up at a big spread in Bedford County and vacationed on a $200,000-per-week yacht.
FALWELL: Remember when I said you deserved two years added to your first presidential term, as “reparations” for the Mueller witch hunt? Drove the liberals nuts!
TRUMP: How did we wind up in this 5-by-8-foot cage, wearing orange jumpsuits and sharing a steel toilet? Where did it all turn wrong?
FALWELL: I’ve been racking my brain about that, boss. I figure things started to go south at the Liberty convocation. Remember when you announced you would read from “Two Corinthians?” It was kind of obvious to 12,000 students and faculty that I’d endorsed a heretic who never attended church or cracked a Bible.
TRUMP: Hey, I pronounced “Corinthians” right. That four-syllable monster was the hard part.
FALWELL: Or maybe it was when the news broke that your lawyer paid a porn star $130,000 to keep her trap shut about your sexual liaison, following the birth of your youngest son. Did you really ask Stormy to spank your behind with a rolled -up magazine that had your face on the cover?
TRUMP: Don’t play Mr. Self Righteous with me, Jerry. You’re the wrong guy for that.
FALWELL: How about the playmate you were fooling around with? The gal who got $150,000 in hush money from the National Enquirer?
TRUMP: All that was a decade before my election — it doesn’t count. I was a great president, Jerry. Probably the greatest ever. I did way more for the Blacks than that loser Abe Lincoln.
FALWELL: How was President Lincoln a loser?
TRUMP: He got shot, that’s how. Anyone who gets shot is a loser. Even American soldiers. I like winners.
FALWELL: Lincoln freed nearly 4 million slaves.
TRUMP: Another reason he was a loser!
FALWELL: Maybe it all started even before your election, sir. Like, when you announced you were running, and you called Mexicans “rapists.”
TRUMP: Some of them are rapists — the men, I mean.
FALWELL: Or perhaps it was when the tape of you came out, bragging how you grabbed women by the genitals.
TRUMP: Only the attractive ones!
FALWELL: Or maybe it was when the Ku Klux Klan endorsed you?
TRUMP: The KKK has some very fine people.
FALWELL: What about when the House of Representatives impeached you for trying to extort Ukraine’s president for help with your 2020 reelection campaign?
TRUMP: An unfair, Deep State witch hunt! The Senate acquitted me.
FALWELL: Do you think it could be your response to the pandemic?
TRUMP: That was perfect. I saved millions of lives.
FALWELL: On Feb. 7, you told Bob Woodward the novel coronavirus was at least five times deadlier than a bad flu. Three weeks later at a campaign rally in South Carolina, you said it was “their new hoax.” Then it killed more than 190,000 Americans. In hindsight, it’s difficult to see how you could’ve screwed up worse.
TRUMP: Fake news! Woodward set me up. He tapped my wires! C’mon, Jerry. It’s not like you’re some angel.
FALWELL: What do you mean?
TRUMP: What about the $10.5 million you got when you resigned from the university? Heck of a golden parachute, considering Liberty’s a nonprofit.
FALWELL: That was in my contract! And at least Liberty granted real degrees — unlike Trump U, which was a total rip-off.
TRUMP: And how about the handsome young pool boy in your Miami hotel room? And the personal trainer in Lynchburg? And the photo of Becki that you passed around, in a sexy French maid outfit? Many people are saying they ought to rename the university Libertine U.
FALWELL: I never had a photo of Becki in a French maid costume, ever.
TRUMP: So it was a Swiss maid’s outfit. So what? Come on, Jerry, quit splitting hairs.
FALWELL: The facts are important!
TRUMP: Was it a fact you liked to watch your wife have sex with other men?
FALWELL: Of course not. I never said I liked it!
TRUMP: But it turned you on, right?
FALWELL: No comment.